Melody's thoughts

It has been too long. I sorta use this as a journal to remember my thoughts.

Lately I have been feeling judged, unwelcome, and unworthy to be with my Christian friends. I love God but yet every time I try and hang out with my friends I leave so angry and hurt. It just feels like I'm being pushed away. But at the same time I know I have a lot to do with that. I am getting at that age to stop going to yg and start hanging with the younger adults, but I would much rather just go out with my non Christian friends who don't have different groups for different ages, just us having fun.
I think music has a lot to do with my actions to. I have been listening to non Christian music. And I love dancing to it because I feel so hot. But yet I keep hearing God telling me to put back on music that uplifts me and brings me closer to him.
And maybe my clothes have something to do with my attitude towards my Christian friends? I've been trying to impress a certain someone and have tried to look my best and bought a lot of new clothes and some of them are a little tighter and more reviling, and all my guy friends say I look nice and ask me out but then I get mad because I have to sit to all the Christian lectures how I am screwing up and need to start wearing "covering" clothes.
But I know most has to do with the last couple months of my life. My body has been so used and without having a Christian guy to help wait with me I just feel there is nothing to wait for. And what I was saving was taken so why not give what I have left? My heart has gotten so hard and yet my body is so loose.
God has been with me everyday and been right with me. And I love him to death. And now is the point in my life where I decide if I want to give my everyday life to him and leave this life or do I want to stay here and live the normal American life. I know what God wants me to do and I know which one I want to do, but my laziness, lack of passion, and the sin I live in keeps me going through life without caring.

And now starts the gossip of how I am such a bad Christian.
But I am just a fellow sinner and servant trying to seek my savior. Satan knew where I would fall and hit me hard and now I am trying to take God's hand in getting back up.
I can't be naive anymore because too much has happened, now I have to grow because I don't want others to feel alone when I have felt alone.

Soundtrack to my life...
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits:
Sweet Home Alabama
Lynard Skynard

Waking Up:
Sick Cycle Carousel
Lifehouse

First Day At School:
Phantom of the Opera
DDR Remix

Falling In Love:
Down
Kutless

Fight Song:
Where is the love?
Black Eyed Peas

Breaking Up:
It's over
Hawk Nelson

Prom:
Stranger
Thousand Foot Krutch

Life:
Goodbye waves and drives
The Rocket Summer

Driving:
Bowling Ball
Superchick (hehe Hannah and Brynn Always play that when we drive.)

Flashback:
Lift It
Thousand Foot Krutch

Getting back together:
My wish
Rascal Flatts

Wedding:
If everyone cared
Nickelback

Birth of Child:
Lips of an angel
Hinder

Final Battle:
What hurts the most
Rascal Flatts

Death Scene:
Hello
Hawk Nelson

Funeral Song:
Hand Grenade
Thousand Foot Krutch

End Credits:
Let it be
Superchick


THE END!

Well I decided that since I got a new Ipod yesterday I would try this little thing out! And it was really funny! It is interesting though that I have three hundred songs on my Ipod but superchick and Thousand Foot Krutch always come up.

These past couple months working at TurkeyHill I have been talking to a lot of people and asking them their opinions of God and why they would never go to church. The number one reason for not going to church is: Christians are all judgmental hypocrites.
And now I think I agree, I'm included. I have never felt so truly accepted except with my non Christian friends. They knew I was a Christian and listened to what I said, but yet always cared about me




So, watch me disappear and we'll see if you care.